Finding the courage to create a joyful life

Posts tagged ‘Self Love’

Communication, Feedback and Other Fine Ambiguities

Have you ever really looked at how you communicate or don’t with other people?

Have you ever noticed that when you are given feedback that people will often try to make the feedback palatable, and in doing so the communication becomes ambiguous leaving a lot of room for misinterpretation?

In a recent exchange I got to experience this first hand.  I was given feedback in the form of a statement where it was suggested that perhaps I was reading too much and not experiencing the learning.  Well I tell you what, this statement brought up every ounce of not good enough and  not doing it right that could ever be possible for me.

Doing my personal work has allowed me to recognize that these statements were the little voice in my head speaking. This voice often does me no favors.  I have the propensity at times to believe what this little voice says is true.On the flip side, I am  beginning to recognize that this voice starts talking because I am hearing something that is not being said or putting in meaning that is not really there (this is where the ambiguous part comes in.)

With this experience I decided to return to the person who made the statement for clarity. So the conversation went round and round trying to be clear in what I was hearing.  The person with whom I was speaking was continuing to be non-direct until finally they had negated everything they had originally given feedback about.  I then asked what they were really trying to communicate.  At this point the feedback became more direct. I was asked the question “Are you using reading as a way of checking out and not experiencing what is going on around you?”

For me the statement about reading too much and not experiencing the learning and the question “Are you using reading as a way of checking out and not experiencing what is going on around you?” are vastly different.  The second question for me leaves no room for that not good enough voice, that doing it wrong voice. It offers me a place to check in.

The interesting thing is that further conversation shared that the person giving the feedback delivered it in that ambiguous fashion in order to stay safe, be heard, and avoid confrontation.  The kicker is in avoiding confrontation, misunderstanding actually created confrontation. In speaking in ambiguous terms the situation of not being heard was created.

I sit and ponder how often I try to communicate in that “nice” ambiguous way and by doing so create more issues than were there with the feedback I was attempting to give in the first place? Or worse, I communicate in that ambiguous fashion to be nice and then end up  with frustration and anger that surface because I am not being heard.

I think my learning over the past few days looks like this.  It is important in human relationships to communicate directly.  I must ask what is true for me to communicate instead of trying to couch feedback in ambiguous language to avoid confrontation or stay safe. I could also say there is much learning in letting go of the need to be heard, and that is another conversation entirely.

The biggest learning for me though is how self critical my little voice becomes when feedback becomes too broad.  This is a constant point of choosing to be loving to myself instead of tearing myself down.  I now recognize that in choosing to love myself I am choosing to speak clearly and directly. I am also choosing to make new agreements with the people in my world asking them to say what needs to be said directly, in the form of a question. this way I may look directly at the question instead of making all kinds of CRAP up about what is trying to be said.  That feels more loving for sure!

Giving Away My Power and Other Sneaky Ego Tricks

It has come to my awareness that I have probably the most creative Ego of all time.

As I have been traversing my path of self learning I have had some marvelous training on this wonderful concept lovingly labeled “The Drama Triangle.” from a wonderful Life Coach, Jennifer Halterman of Everyday Joy & Essence.  She teaches this concept about how Drama is a wonderful game that we all so often play in our relationships. You know, where someone plays the villain and victimizes someone and then a hero comes in and rescues things an puts life back to being right and good. Well my learning on this concept has deepened here of late and as I reflect I find the whole thing astounding.

I have learned that not only can this game play out in the world, it also plays out internally within me. This internal Drama Triangle plays out when my Ego starts running the show.

My Ego really likes to be in control. When my life starts whirling with change then my ego likes to jump into the game.  My Ego gives me feedback. “I am a victim of all the changing circumstances”, or better “I am the villain of my life for not maintaining control.” The kicker is when the feedback says “regain control and you will be your own hero.” This of course is a set up! Control is an illusion so there really is nothing to regain. The set up though lies in the fact that I can once again play the role of victim when I am unsuccessful at regaining the illusory control and my Ego has no problem telling me I am not good enough to deal with the situation at hand.  Sneaky Bugger!

The larger awareness though is in the fact that just by entering into my Ego’s game I had given away my power. I never understood before that I was the one taking my own power and leaving myself to feel not good enough or less-than. Enter even greater understanding….

The greatest relationship I have is the one with myself. 

In this relationship with myself choice points occur.  Do I enter the Ego Drama or stay In my self-loving Essence. Do I retain my personal power or do I give my power away. Choice! It is always about choice.

My Ego is very Sneaky! It is very practiced at staying in charge and keeping me playing drama on the triangle. In fact, the Ego really likes to be in charge. It likes to be in charge because one of the Ego’s primary functions is to keep me safe, thus keeping me living in Fear. While safety is good, fear is not.

My intention is to move forward from the place of this awareness and learn to look at the feedback from my Ego in a different way; Not from a place of fear, not from the place of being victimized by it, not letting my Ego get a big head for keeping me safe, rather from a place of Love.  I will run all feedback both given and received through a filter of Love and “highest good” at each choice point.  Asking the question, is this feedback loving and does it serve the highest good?

Sometimes feedback does not feel good and does serve the highest good of those involved. The key when it does not feel good is does it fill both criteria, Loving and Highest Good?  Other times feedback feels great, but is not of the highest good.  Again, does it fill both criteria, Loving and Highest Good?  Discernment with breath is the key.

So now when my Ego starts to play it’s sneaky games I can stop, take a breath and remember that I am always at choice about giving away my power or using it to live my highest good. And that feedback outside of my Ego is a very powerful tool to obtain the personal awareness that I value so much.

To learn more about the Drama Triangle Visit The Blogtalk Radio rebroadcast of Everyday Joy – The Drama Triangle
To learn more about Essence Coach Jennifer Halterman Visit The Everyday Joy and Essence Website

The Art of Being Nervy

Or “Who do you think you are and what gives you the right?”

As I continue my contemplation of all my Wild Joys of Living I often find myself entering into a construction zone.  You know the kind with all the orange cones and hard hats, just like the roads here in Utah. My latest construction zone finds me knee deep in the murky water of my relationship with myself.

I have the constant propensity to place everyone else and their needs first in my world. In doing that several things have occurred. First, I have lost myself because I am constantly dishonoring me. Second, I have become the hero, victim, or villain in the famous drama dance of life.  Both of these options suck!

In losing myself I have have given away my place of personal power. I have given away my God given right to go out and live my passions or create my dreams. I have done that by filling my world with so much of everyone else’s Stuff.  I have done that by being the hero, the doctor that fixes it, the mom that gets it all done and makes it all better. I have done this by choosing to be the bad guy, holding you accountable for your choices (even while I have not been accountable to me for mine). I have done that by making “their world” feel better for them.

So, Starting today I get to practice what I teach. I get to practice the Art of being Nervy, because It takes a lot of nerve in this world to put yourself first!

So what is being nervy?

First it is following the airline rules…put you oxygen mask on first and then assist those around you.  For me that means making a specified portion of my day that is for me.  The part where I get to fill myself up so that I can go forth and truly serve others from a balanced and grounded place. The part where I can be gentle with myself by relaxing, reading, bubble bathing, massaging, walking and moving, dancing, meditating, journaling….the possibilities are endless. It means speaking and living what is true for me. It means learning to make choices from the place of honoring both myself and the self of others, not the comfortable choice.

Secondly, It is damn nervy to go out and change how you show up for others, even if it is in everyone’s best interest.  It is damn nervy to say “you made the mess, you clean it up.”  “An emergency on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.” “I am sorry, that sucks, but only you can change it.” Being willing to change how I show up though is the only way I can get back to the business of living my passions and my dreams, and  It also puts me in the position to be fully present with (you) the people in my life so that I can  say to them (you) from my heart “How may I assist you?” and be ready and willing to tell that other person if I can offer that level or form of support (is it a yes or is it a no for me).

So who am I and what gives me the right? I am an individual with a purpose and mission in this life. I have passions and dreams that are just as important as yours. I am here to love you and live my compassionate nature by assisting you, but I am not here to do it for you.

We each have the right and the responsibility to take on our own learning full force. My role as a healer says that I am here to offer you assistance, guidance, education, ect… in your process of healing. My role as a healer in no way states that I have to give my entire life trying to fix it for you. My role as a mother says I am here to show up for you and support you in your quest for your own passions and dreams, but it does not mean that your dreams are mine. My role as a partner say “I will love and support you in your learning and your path, but it does not mean that your path is mine” even though we are often on the same path.

So, please live what is true for you and I will live what is true for me. I promise to be honest with myself and with you. I promise to be in service to you as long as that service beings me joy instead of expectation or obligation. I promise to be open to feeling the joys and the ouches of life openly. Finally, I promise to always live the Namaste’ Principle by honoring the light in myself and acknowledging your light by honoring you too.

So am I Nervy…you bet! Because I am worth it and it is the best way I know to create whole-body healing.

A Shift of Perspective

“Beliefs create the thoughts which create the actions that create your results.”

This was the first thing I read when I woke up this morning, and the profoundness of this statement immediately struck me. I have for the past 20+ years of my life been both a student and teacher of health. I have pushed, pulled, and wrestled to the ground just about every idea for sharing all of the concepts that I learn about health on a daily basis. I have even consistently struggled with my own health issues in order to create even more opportunities for learning for both myself and others when it comes to issues of body and health. The reality though is that even with all of the thoughts I have been trying to teach, I have been missing looking at the beginning. I have glossed over looking at my beliefs about health. My beliefs about myself.

I have for a long time stood firm that I have the belief that good health is everything. Looking from new eyes though I can see that that belief was just a grand cover up.

What I really needed was to look from a different perspective.

Last night my perspective shifted. The easiest way  to tell you is that I reversed the statement above. From my results, I began to look at what actions I was or was not taking. I think we all do this. My example for you would be this: I am overweight (result). What I am doing is drinking to many calorie filled coffees each day, or What I am not doing is exercising enough (actions). What I have done here in the past is make some “course corrections” that will stick for a little while. When the initial resolve passes, I gradually come back around to the point where I started. This is the viscous cycle that I have seen so many people run and run myself. This cycle for me has created a lot of defeat and self beat-up, but I kept choosing to repeat it.

So as I said I looked again… I looked past the actions this time

So my result is overweight. The actions that contribute to my overweight are calorie filled coffee and lack of exercise. Then I moved on to what thoughts are creating these actions. This is were for me it was getting uncomfortable. I got to look at things like I’m not good enough, I’m fat, I’m not pretty, I suck. Wow ! That was harsh and uncomfortable!

Is it any wonder that most of humanity stays stuck in the action-result phase. If that is what my thoughts were saying about me it was a miracle that I did not weight 1200 lbs. The thoughts alone would make me or anyone go searching for any type of comfort that could be found. One of my biggest comforts has always been food so…Wah la… my immediate “Action” was to “feed” the story in my head and perpetuate the result.

But Wait! There is more. So I looked back even further.

Result <- Actions <- Thoughts <- (((Beliefs)))

Now I was at the point of really looking at what I believed to be true about myself. Here comes the really painful, yet delicious part. When I looked deeply, really deeply, I realized that what was true for me was that I did not LOVE myself. Now I had to dig a little (a lot) because my thoughts kept telling me that I believed that good health was everything and how could I possibly not love myself.  But then I kept asking myself “If I did really love myself and I really believed that good health was everything, why were my results out of alignment?”

The moment that I got to the place where I could admit I did not love myself the Aha moment came flooding in. If I really had that self love then my thoughts, actions and my results will show that I believe good health to be everything.

The Aha moment said work it the other direction.
I love myself (belief). And by loving myself I am Powerful, Creative, Committed, and a damn Sexy Woman. And from those thoughts arose inspired action that I could Nurture my body and love my body with ease by removing the creamer from my coffee (big calorie dump there) and by lovingly moving my body more (more walking in nature and dancing). From this inspired action I have set the stage to create a new result.

That Brings Me Wild Joy!  

The process was so easeful. When I stepped back and look from another direction, it was simply amazing to find that I really had my own answers all along.

I invite you to give it a whirl with some body issue you have been struggling with…You might just Love your new results. And always remember that good health comes from within!