Finding the courage to create a joyful life

Archive for July, 2012

Giving Away My Power and Other Sneaky Ego Tricks

It has come to my awareness that I have probably the most creative Ego of all time.

As I have been traversing my path of self learning I have had some marvelous training on this wonderful concept lovingly labeled “The Drama Triangle.” from a wonderful Life Coach, Jennifer Halterman of Everyday Joy & Essence.  She teaches this concept about how Drama is a wonderful game that we all so often play in our relationships. You know, where someone plays the villain and victimizes someone and then a hero comes in and rescues things an puts life back to being right and good. Well my learning on this concept has deepened here of late and as I reflect I find the whole thing astounding.

I have learned that not only can this game play out in the world, it also plays out internally within me. This internal Drama Triangle plays out when my Ego starts running the show.

My Ego really likes to be in control. When my life starts whirling with change then my ego likes to jump into the game.  My Ego gives me feedback. “I am a victim of all the changing circumstances”, or better “I am the villain of my life for not maintaining control.” The kicker is when the feedback says “regain control and you will be your own hero.” This of course is a set up! Control is an illusion so there really is nothing to regain. The set up though lies in the fact that I can once again play the role of victim when I am unsuccessful at regaining the illusory control and my Ego has no problem telling me I am not good enough to deal with the situation at hand.  Sneaky Bugger!

The larger awareness though is in the fact that just by entering into my Ego’s game I had given away my power. I never understood before that I was the one taking my own power and leaving myself to feel not good enough or less-than. Enter even greater understanding….

The greatest relationship I have is the one with myself. 

In this relationship with myself choice points occur.  Do I enter the Ego Drama or stay In my self-loving Essence. Do I retain my personal power or do I give my power away. Choice! It is always about choice.

My Ego is very Sneaky! It is very practiced at staying in charge and keeping me playing drama on the triangle. In fact, the Ego really likes to be in charge. It likes to be in charge because one of the Ego’s primary functions is to keep me safe, thus keeping me living in Fear. While safety is good, fear is not.

My intention is to move forward from the place of this awareness and learn to look at the feedback from my Ego in a different way; Not from a place of fear, not from the place of being victimized by it, not letting my Ego get a big head for keeping me safe, rather from a place of Love.  I will run all feedback both given and received through a filter of Love and “highest good” at each choice point.  Asking the question, is this feedback loving and does it serve the highest good?

Sometimes feedback does not feel good and does serve the highest good of those involved. The key when it does not feel good is does it fill both criteria, Loving and Highest Good?  Other times feedback feels great, but is not of the highest good.  Again, does it fill both criteria, Loving and Highest Good?  Discernment with breath is the key.

So now when my Ego starts to play it’s sneaky games I can stop, take a breath and remember that I am always at choice about giving away my power or using it to live my highest good. And that feedback outside of my Ego is a very powerful tool to obtain the personal awareness that I value so much.

To learn more about the Drama Triangle Visit The Blogtalk Radio rebroadcast of Everyday Joy – The Drama Triangle
To learn more about Essence Coach Jennifer Halterman Visit The Everyday Joy and Essence Website

The Learning Power of Feedback

  Learning From Feedback  

For those of you who know me personally, you know that Feedback is on    of  my biggest nemeses of life.  While I love to give feedback, looking at the feedback from others is very difficult for me. I suppose that is true for many since it is often difficult to look at our own stuff.

For me the most difficult part is taking all the feedback very personally!  You see, my Ego wants to constantly tell me that “I am what you think of me.” The reality is though that what you think of me says nothing about me and everything about you, the person who is providing the feedback.  This distinction is great mental learning, yet it is difficult for me to embody in the midst of a conversation.

I have found that my reaction is often very visceral and physical when I feel the feedback coming toward me, and I am sure that at times this has given some very interesting feedback to those I am interacting with.  The body language in bracing physically or drawing away is often not great for interpersonal communication. The energetic drawing away can really give some interesting messages too.

The amazing part  is I have the same reaction regardless of the feedback being positive or negative. In fact, it is almost more difficult for me to receive the positive messages that I am given.  This is where I use my personal energy to block as much as possible.  I am sure you have encountered people just like this or perhaps you are one. It is odd to encounter the person who deflects positive feedback. Messages of the interactions are confusing at best. It is even more difficult to look at the fact that is how I show up in the world.

Observing feedback from a place of Essence, a place of love, provides much learning. 

Observing family members who stuff their emotions until they explode, rather than express them, has shown me the value of constantly moving my emotions in the moment. This is a skill that takes practice for sure!  In the past though I would (and still sometimes do) take the emotional explosions personally and as attacks. This is when my feedback responses kick in super strongly, even to the point of Fighting back.  The reality though is that the whole experience is nothing but the other person’s over flowing of their suppressed emotions. The whole thing really says nothing about me.

I find though, if I look deeper, often these experiences can serve as my greatest teachers.  I have learned how anger, mine or anyone’s, is really just their fear flowing out.  I have learned that addressing the fear really is what changes the dynamics of the situation.  I have learned to ask of myself more often “what am I feeling?”  I have learned to look in the mirror of the situations I am confronted with to find the nugget of what learning is there for me. Most importantly I am learning that staying away from the opinion of others, good or bad, keeps me in a place of balance and flow. It keeps me in a place of confidence and loving me.

All this because I am not what you think of me, though my Ego would like me to believe that I am.

When I focus on my Essence I can stay in the natural place of love and compassion for whatever I encounter, taking the learning and leaving the drama. 

Such an easeful way of life! Ahhhhhhh! I wonder why I have chosen to live differently for so long?